Things Learned The Hard Way
by Zee-Zee Magee
Summary: Just a simple list of things the leverage crew and other characters have learned the hard way.
1. The Hitter

**Things Eliot Learned the Hard way**

**1.** "Yes Parker," is never a good sign when Hardison says it. Ever!

**2.** Nate and Sophie arguing with each other is extremely funny. Getting in between Nate and Sophie arguing is suicide. Saving Nate's life from a flying cup of coffee thrown by pregnant Sophie… Totally wasn't worth it.

**3.** Scaring every member of the team by almost dying is twenty million times scarier than actually almost dying. Especially when Parker is pregnant and Sophie's in complete mom mode while Nate is in dad mode and Hardison's nerves are extremely frayed because of it.

**4.** Saying no to Parker or Sophie is impossible. Saying no to both of them at the same time because they want you to save Hardison… Futile!

**5.** Complaining about Nate only works if Nate's not in the room hiding in Sophie's closet while Parker is climbing through the window and Hardison is searching for the remote. Sophie calmly sitting in her bed watching this in grifter mode should have been an obvious warning.

**6.** When Nate says "let's go to a play" say "No." Sophie is always in it.

**7.** Hardison explaining the many benefits of hiding a series of cameras in the downstairs portion of the office was a stupid idea.

**8.** Watching the footage on a rainy day having never told Nate and Sophie that said cameras were there while Parker, Hardison and I all knew about them was probably why we should have informed them of it in the first place.

**9.** When Sophie says please Nate will never say no and Hardison and Parker will never rescue you. Running is the only option.

**10.** If there is a shiny spot glistening in Parker's eye… hide behind Hardison and/or Sophie. Nate is no protection, ever!

**11.** Parker and Hardison in a fight is just wrong and should be avoided at all costs. It's explosive in all the wrong ways.

**12.** Breaking into a locked closet that Sophie is standing in front of is nothing like the Great Wall of China being built to block out the Mongols. Nate is very safe.

**13.** Parker jumping off of buildings is expected. Hardison jumping off of buildings means run for your life or you'll die!

**14.** Parker saying "it is perfectly safe" is actually true.

**15.** Nate saying "don't go in there" is not a reason to go in there. The right hook is surprisingly powerful. The view is always good for the first three seconds though.

**16.** Sophie saying "Everything's fine" means "I am shot and they are going to kill everybody if you come anywhere near this place so don't you dare Eliot Spencer or I will kill you myself when I am not bleeding out to the point where you have to go to a hospital and watch Nate practically glue himself to my side until I have opened my eyes and said hello!" Believing it is stupid and the yelling that takes place when she's all better will make you smile.

**17.** Hardison explaining technology is a good thing… especially when you're stuck in a bank vault set to a timer during the weekend with Parker, who actually listens to him.

**18.** Parker saying, "Come on over I'll only be sleeping" does not actually mean she is actually sleeping it means, "I'll be over at Hardison's." Parker saying "I'm watching a movie with Hardison" should have been an obvious reason not to want to watch the movie.

**19.** Parker has a tendency to push you off of a roof, use explosives, choke you to the point of no return, and steal everything you have ever had. Hardison can locate you no matter how offline you are and your money is only safe in your pocket if he hasn't found you already. Nate is a drunk psychopath who is addicted to control and has a wrath that will scare anybody. They are all extremely gentle compared to asking Sophie for a ride home after a fight in a bar. Always call everybody but her!

**20.** Just because you are the hitter does not mean you will die for them. It just means that you will probably be the bloodiest. Parker is extremely good when it comes to bandaging you up. She can be scary when she's protecting her family, Tara knows from experience. Hardison really does listen when you give him lessons on how to fight and get in and out of bad situations quickly. He is almost as good as me but you will never tell him that. Nate will kill first and ask questions later when he is protecting his family. He is extremely scary and your enemies will mess their pants at the look on his face. You, Hardison, Parker, and Nate are the absolutely only people in the world who are not completely scared to death of Sophie Devereaux. When Nate finally allows her to enter the room with a gun, men who are three times her size will run for the door and squeal like five year old school girls just from the look on her face. And laughing at their reactions when your ribs are completely broken really doesn't help the situation.

**21.** You don't hurt Hardison, Parker or me unless Nate and Sophie are confirmed dead by every single precinct in the world and even then you better check with Sterling before engaging us in any form of torture. It's safer. Ask Moreau if you don't believe me! He was practically begging to go back to prison in San Lorenzo. I wonder if he ever made it there safely.


	2. The Thief

**Author's Note:** Um, I forgot to add this to the first chapter and I'm too lazy to fix it. This is set in the future if you can't tell.

**Things Parker learned the hard way**

**1. **Just because Sophie says she likes the shoes does not mean she wants them for herself and trying to convince her you don't like them is impossible. She has magical powers.

**2. **When Hardison says no he means it. Usually because he's protecting you.

**3.**Eliot does not like it when you break into his house without asking. The stitches in my right arm were only because he realized who it was.

**4. **Nate saying "don't go in there" is not a very good reason to go in there. I wish I had listened the first three times.

**5. **You can't say no to Hardison. I've tried and it is virtually impossible.

**6.**When Eliot says "Whatever" use a Taser because he's about to get his butt handed to him on a silver platter and then Nate and Sophie will get very mad and Hardison and I will probably kill him so you have to protect him from himself and us.

**7.**Nate and Sophie arguing does not mean hide every single makeshift weapon in the area. Unless Sophie's pregnant than you should use the Taser on Nate and hide him until the baby in her tummy is happy again.

**8.**Nate saying "I love you" to Sophie in the middle of a con is not a reason for a round of applause… especially when you are hanging off of a bridge over a shallow river.

**9.**Make certain Hardison tells Nate and Sophie that he put cameras in the office part of Nate's apartment. Telling them while you're watching the footage on a rainy day after they walk into the room to see us watching ourselves leave them alone on the big screen is not when you do it.

**10.**Don't get hurt on a job where you almost die! Nate and Sophie look like they want to kill you by hugging you to death and Hardison won't let you do anything fun and Eliot will be nice!

**11.** When Nate says "let's go to a play" say "Yes!" Sophie's acting is hilariously awful!

**12.** If Sophie is wearing that look she wears whenever Sterling is trying to figure out what she's up to and Sterling isn't around. It means Nate is locked in the closet and she isn't wearing anything under the sheets. Trust me you don't want that image in your head!

**13.** Eliot saying "Stay here" means stay here while I go get the bad guys, Parker.

**14.** Eliot can throw you through a wall, ceiling or window and it's fun until Nate finds out. Then he'll sick Sophie on you if she's not shopping. Nate isn't as bad but not getting caught is safest.

**15.** Run as far away as possible if Sophie says anything like please. Nate is powerless to the word.

**16.** Hardison should never be allowed to repel unless it is a life or death situation.

**17.** Sophie saying "Everything's fine" means "They shot me and Parker is not allowed to come down off of the roof to hook me up to the rigging even though I am bleeding a whole lot and I am totally going to yell at everybody for doing exactly what I didn't want you to because I would rather die than let them have you too." Believing it means dead Sophie and a dead Sophie is not a fun Sophie. You also will never be able to stop grinning while she's yelling.

**18.** Nate saying "go" means he's been shot. Nate rescuing Maggie ends up with them fighting. Nate rescuing Sophie is interesting. Nate getting shot in those situations is inevitable. I still believe it was Sophie both times. Hardison doesn't think so but Eliot totally agrees with me.

**19.** Don't get attached to any van Hardison names Lucille! They don't stay long.

**20.** Eliot is very protective and will kill anybody who hurts you. Hardison will stitch you up and kill anybody who hurts you afterwards if Eliot misses, Eliot doesn't miss. Nate will kill anybody who touches you and then he'll hold you and cuddle with you until you feel better. Sophie scares everybody away from you simply by the look on her face. It's hilarious how quickly the room clears when she gets there. Then she'll cry and latch onto you until Nate makes her let you go so you can breathe.

**21.** Don't come after me, Eliot or Hardison unless Sterling says Nate and Sophie are dead. Moreau wasn't very happy when they came to get us like he thought he would be.


	3. The Hacker

**Things Hardison learned the hard way**

**1.** Saying No to Parker is impossible! Saying no to Sophie is just as bad! Saying No to Nate means nothing. Saying no to Eliot actually means no but it still hurts.

**2.** Don't get Eliot mad… Ever!

**3.** Nate complaining about you sleeping on the job means you've been hypnotized.

**4.** Parker proposing to go out on a date night in front of Eliot doesn't end well. The date was totally worth it though.

**5.** Eliot saying "Run" does not mean towards him but as far away from him as possible.

**6.** Nate and Sophie arguing is a show you must never miss. Nate and Pregnant Sophie arguing is a show you should avoid at all costs unless you want to be an accessory to murder. Ask Eliot why getting in between them was a bad idea.

**7.** Chaos is a lame jerk who is obsessed with trying to kill Sophie. He also keeps hitting on Parker and blowing up my vans. He should be as dramatically squashed as much as possible.

**8.** Lucille is a very, very, very, very, very, bad name for a van.

**9.** Nate getting shot is an everyday occurrence. Eliot getting hit is nothing unusual. Sophie getting a hand up her thigh frustrates everybody but don't ever mention it. Parker getting hurt is the scariest thing in the world and will make your heart want to explode.

**10.** When Maggie is in trouble is when the most injuries happen on the job. Keeping her tied to a chair in the van so you can have a conversation with her to avoid this only works if Sophie hasn't taught her how to con information out of you and Parker hasn't taught her how to pick handcuffs while you're distracted. Keeping her away from those two is also pointless.

**11.** Tara is not Sophie but she is a very good substitute when you need her. Telling Parker that when it was Tara's fault Sophie wasn't able to work on the job in the first place is a completely different story.

**12.** When Nate says "don't go in there" he means "Sophie's getting dressed but I'm not going to tell you that because we are having a secret relationship and her right hook is good enough to knock you out for a while so you think you imagined it." Ask Eliot and Parker about that one.

**13.** When Sophie says "Everything's Fine" she really means "I'm in trouble because I've been shot and I'm bleeding to death but don't you dare use your computer stuff to track me down Alec Hardison because the people who did this will try to kill you and I don't want that to happen but I know you won't listen if I say that out right so don't because when I wake up after your rescue I am going to yell at you for three hours and tell you how stupid and dangerous that was to do." Eliot and Parker can't help smiling like little maniacs during her tirades and I do not smile when she turns on me. You do enjoy being yelled at by her though.

**14.** If Eliot says "Oh crap" run in that warehouse with a bazooka, several handguns in yours and Parker's hands, and Nate and Sophie in parent mode. Don't give him morphine afterwards and hope he doesn't remember you going through protocol the way he always does.

**15.** Putting those safety cameras in the office portion of Nate's apartment was a good idea. Forgetting to tell Nate and Sophie about them and discovering that little error on a rainy day just to have some fun was not a good idea. The looks on their faces at discovering this should have been the hint that they did something wrong.

**16.** Nate and Sophie can run really fast when they are extremely embarrassed about getting caught because you made the mistake of not explaining that you put cameras in the office. Parker threatening to kill them because it destroyed her eyesight was probably why they were so quick to get out of there.

**17.** Parker and Eliot should not be left alone together in a room for more than fifteen minutes. If knives are involved, don't leave… ever!

**18.** Sophie saying please is the sole reason you should leave the room immediately. Nate will do anything for that word and Eliot is too much of a retrieval specialist to get away fast enough. Parker and I are the only ones who seem smart enough to not care about making noise as we leave the room.

**19.** Parker should not be allowed to have any caffeine. Eliot and Sophie will kill me. Nate will kill Parker.

**20.** Parker is scary insane and will do anything to stitch you back together as quickly as possible so she can blow up the building. Eliot does not hate you as much as he hates the people who hurt you. He will use a gun if it means protecting you. Nate in dad mode means he will kill with just as much deadly accuracy as Eliot. Sophie in mom mode is the scariest thing in the world to any bad guy that has ever seen her in it but Parker, Eliot and I just don't get it. Laughing at the way they flee from Nate and Sophie doesn't make the pain go away faster.

**21.** Don't mess with Parker, Eliot, and I unless you're stupid, suicidal, extremely nuts, or Nate and Sophie have been confirmed very dead by Sterling. Moreau was not so lucky and I will never get the screams he made, before I blacked out, out of my head anytime soon.


	4. The Grifter

**Things Sophie learned the hard way**

**1. **Make certain all makeshift weapons are out of the room before having an argument with Nate while pregnant. Eliot believes saving that man's life is his job.

**2. **Parker and Hardison should never be allowed to plan anything on their own or together… ever!

**3. **Eliot doesn't believe in running away from a fight. Parker does not know the meaning of the word no. Hardison doesn't know when to stop. Nate doesn't know any of the three.

**4. **Maggie in trouble means you have to work three times as hard to keep Nate from downing a bottle of scotch, Parker needs to be given a long list of chores to preoccupy her mind, Hardison has to have his caffeine intake and sleeping cycle monitored, and Eliot has to be reminded that he is human every five minutes.

**5. **Tara is no longer allowed anywhere near Parker unless I am in the same room as her. Period!

**6. **Nate is a selfish, drunk bastard that cannot say no to Parker. Hardison is just as bad where Parker is concerned. Eliot seems to be incapable of the word in front of her. Telling her no is your job and necessary for her safety more so than everybody else's.

**7. **Hardison needs his sleep. Letting him stay up for thirty-six hours straight to find Parker is the biggest mistake you will ever make.

**8. **Nate saying "go" means he's been shot and about to do something stupid. Smack him! Twice!

**9. **Never let Hardison give Parker caffeine.

**10. **Eliot is not allowed to have morphine… ever!

**11. **Hardison and Parker in a fight should be avoided at all costs.

**12. **Never believe you truly have a moment alone with Nate when in the office… ever!

**13. **A reckless Eliot is a very beaten up Eliot. Whenever he refuses to listen is when you should be well prepared to save his life.

**14. **Nate saying "I love you" in the middle of a con ends up with Parker getting herself into trouble. Eliot ends up with a very bad headache. Hardison stubs a finger. You end up taking care of the disasters and it's another three months before you realize you never told him it back. I told him "I love you" when we weren't on a con.

**15. **Parker saying "Hardison and I are watching a movie" means they want to have people over not that they are being a couple.

**16. **Having a fully stocked pantry and refrigerator when Parker is pregnant is essential.

**17. **Telling Eliot and Parker not to do anything stupid while you're out is ignored. Sending Hardison to spy on them makes a bigger mess. Nate doesn't scare them anymore.

**18. **Nate hiding in a closet only keeps you from getting caught if Eliot, Parker and Hardison do not discover that you are not wearing any clothes under the sheets and they are not complaining about Nate while he is in said closet.

**19. **Hardison will do anything to hurt Chaos. That is one of the few times you allow Parker to use her Taser.

**20. **Don't get shot on the job and say "Everything's fine." You won't win the fight. Hardison will locate the warehouse in seconds. Eliot will break into the warehouse and start beating people as soon as he sees them. Parker will come down to attach you to one of her medical harnesses. Nate firing a gun at everything will be the last thing you see before the blood loss will finally take its toll on you. Then you will have to explain to them the reasons why they are not allowed to rescue you when you are trying to save their lives. The pleased smiles on their faces really mean that they are happy you're alright but it just makes you angrier. Then Nate will say "You're cute when you're angry" and you're completely screwed after that.

**21. **Don't do anything to put my life in danger. Eliot will hunt you down. Hardison will save him time by finding you. Parker will try to kill you. Nate will succeed if Maggie doesn't calm him down enough. Ask Ian Blackpoole about that one! Oh, and me crying in Nate's arms does not help your case.


	5. The Mastermind

**Things Nate learned the hard way**

1.) Saying no to Parker and Sophie is impossible!

2.) You are powerless when Sophie says please.

3.) Hardison is not allowed to do anything to the office unless I have been informed of the changes first. A rainy day was when we all learned that one.

4.) Parker is not allowed to have caffeine.

5.) Eliot on morphine is hilarious until he starts talking about Sophie. Then you should knock him out before I decide to kill him.

6.) Chaos is a prick that deserves to be taken out as soon as possible. He kills Hardison's vans, hits on Parker, angers Eliot and tries to kill Sophie! Punk deserves his constant comeuppance.

7.) When Sophie says "hi there" is when you should lock the door and pray Parker feels like reading beforehand.

8.) Hardison actually has great potential for being a mastermind but mind games are the only way to keep him from getting a big head. Ask Eliot and Parker about the Iceman for that one!

9.) When Parker says "Hardison's over" means "please don't kill Hardison because I love him." You do not want to get Tasered by Parker.

10.) Never interfere while Sophie is in mom mode even if Hardison is begging, Parker is using her puppy dog eyes, and/or Eliot is praying.

11.) Interfere with Sophie's parenting if Parker looks violent, Hardison is typing on his computer furiously, and/or Eliot is twirling his knife. Then tackle Sophie to the ground and pray that the guy that was standing behind her was smart enough to get away when he had the chance because Sophie will be very unhappy. The guy in Cleveland begged me to kill him. I probably should have showed him some mercy.

12.) Sterling and Sophie did not have a thing! Unless you talk to Sterling!

13.) Don't talk to Sterling! You end up breaking his nose and Sophie berates you for antagonizing our enemy further. Eliot praises you for months though!

14.) Hiding in Sophie's closet to escape detection only works if Eliot, Parker and Hardison are not complaining about you while Sophie is trying to hide under the sheets.

15.) When the team finds out you're sleeping with Sophie. Hide in the closet behind her! It's the safest place in the world. I'll be in there to kill you though because she is my girlfriend!

16.) Sophie saying "Everything's Fine" means "I've been kidnapped and shot by your bastard of an ex-boss who killed your son and just recently escaped from prison. Please come rescue me even though he has threatened to kill our team if that happens. Sure, I'll yell at every single one of you for doing so because I would rather die than watch any of you die after I have fully recovered from losing four times the amount of blood you are supposed to and flat-lined eight times and scare every single one of you to the point of drinking." Eliot, Parker and Hardison can't keep a straight face throughout the entire thing and you're too happy she's alive to really pay attention to what she's saying. Saying she's cute when she's angry softens her up and you should be fully prepared for her to curl up into your arms and cry her heart out. Ian Blackpoole wasn't very happy when he discovered you don't mess with my girl after having killed my son and first marriage. The team knows how to use Maggie against you though so get as many jibes in as possible until she shows up.

17.) When Eliot is stupid, make certain the order is to not leave any evidence behind when you go into the warehouse to rescue him. Parker's explosion was the best thing we had ever allowed her to do and Hardison's escape plan made for optimum viewing! Sophie should also be the last person allowed into the building at all costs.

18.) Never tell Sophie "I love you" in the middle of a con. Parker forgets that she's hanging from a bridge located directly over a shallow river. The others aren't so badly injured but it causes more harm than good. She did tell me she loved me back though.

19.) Maggie in trouble is not a good thing for your team's stability. Parker and Tara are no longer allowed in the same room together because of a little miss-hap with Sophie. Hardison and Chaos should be kept as far apart as possible. Eliot really hates Sterling. Don't ever let them know you're drinking during any of these situations.

20.) Everybody gets very angry at you when you get shot. Eliot fights extremely hard to get to you so he can fix you up. Parker worries almost as much as she enjoys using the Taser on everybody who stands in between you and her. Hardison is very good under pressure when he is trying to protect you and destroy the mark simultaneously. Sophie is a force to be reckoned with and be wary of the slap! Expect a lot of angry words directed your way when safe and don't let Sophie go until she actually cries in relief. The slap really hurts when she isn't relieved, trust me!

21.) Don't come after me. It's safer just to pretend the idea had never occurred. Eliot will kill you within seconds of discovery. Hardison will zap all of your funding, locate you for Eliot, and give everything you had ever had to Parker. Parker enjoys torture a little too much. Sophie is the scariest thing in the world when she is pissed! Dubenich learned that one the hard way! Eventually I will get her to soften up enough to explain what she did with the rest of him.

22.) Don't come after my team. Don't come after any of them! Don't come after my hitter unless you want a very long death! Don't come after my thief unless you want to scream your lungs out! Don't come after my hacker unless you want to hear what it sounds like when your heart gives out! Don't come after my grifter unless you want to learn how many ways a person can hurt before death actually decides to pay you a visit because you don't touch my grifter! Don't come after them and you will survive! Oh, and Maggie is also off limits.


	6. The Ex

**Things Maggie learned the hard way**

1. Nate and Sophie arguing is a very good excuse to visit them. Especially when Sophie is pregnant. Do not send Eliot in as interference.

2. Do not tell Parker not to do something. Apparently that's Sophie's job.

3. Do not let Parker or Tara anywhere near each other. Sophie had to say No Parker seven times before that rule was established.

4. Hanging out with Parker and Sophie will always come in handy for so many things that are actually legal.

5. Eliot and Sterling are not allowed in the same room unless you are in there with them. The rest of the team will not stop him.

6. Nate forgets he's my ex-husband and that it is no longer his job to try to protect me. Eliot does not enjoy it when I am being held captive. Parker seems to be under the impression that I'm her puppy. Hardison will tie you to a chair to avoid his team getting into trouble. Sophie is the only sane one in these situations and that should scare you more than anything else.

7. Never accompany Nate on a trip to visit Sterling. Call Sophie for back-up when you do and hope that she will be able to coax him into letting the Interpol agent breathe again.

8. Don't ask about anything that involves Nate and Sophie's past. Everybody gets really weird and Sophie seems to forget that she and Nate didn't actually have an affair. Nate will actually talk about the chase in great detail though.

9. Don't ever expect Parker, Eliot or Hardison to understand that locked doors mean people want privacy. You only get three worried thieves in the middle of the night.

10. Eliot doesn't understand that you are not part of his job description because he was in town and able to check up on you. Always wear a long robe when he's in town.

11. Don't walk into Nate's apartment if Parker, Hardison and Eliot are installing cameras in it. And make certain Nate and Sophie are aware of the cameras.

12. A visit from Sophie means Nate's been shot.

13. A visit from Parker means Eliot was shot, or extremely hurt.

14. A visit from Nate and Sophie means Hardison, Parker, and Eliot were tortured by Damien Moreau and you should have a lot of tissues and tea at the ready. Sleeping pills are a must if you expect to give Nate time to get away from Sophie long enough to get help from Sterling. A worried Sophie is a scary Sophie.

15. A phone call from Eliot, Parker, and Hardison should be answered immediately and not when you wake up for the eighth time that night. A phone call from Nate shortly after those means, "Sophie has been kidnapped by the bastard who killed our kid and we're going to rescue her."

16. When Nate says "I'm going to kill you" he means "I'm going to beat you to a bloody pulp and torture you a lot because you shot Sophie and she is going to spend the next few days bleeding out four times, flat-lining eight times, non-responsive twice, and giving everybody a heart attack." Keep Parker away from all windows. Put sleeping pills in Hardison's coffee. Remind Eliot he's human. Trying to keep Nate away from alcohol is the furthest thing from your mind when you are watching him literally dissolve just as much as he did when he lost Sam. Remind him Sophie is allowed time to breathe after nearly dying and that she isn't glass. Then yell at her for scaring everybody because the others forgive her way too easily.

17. A visit from Nate means Parker was hurt and Hardison doesn't get hurt.

18. Telling thieves not to rescue you is pointless.


	7. The Agent

**Things Sterling learned the hard way**

I. Don't talk about Sophie in front of Nate. Especially when Sophie is not in the room to save your life at the time of his visit.

II. Parker doesn't believe in "There is no way out of this situation."

III. Hardison doesn't understand the meaning of "you are under arrest."

IV. Eliot will not go quietly even if he is inches away from passing out because of blood loss.

V. Sophie cannot be caught! Unless you have already caught the others to begin with. If so, run for your life and pray that the drugs are something she hasn't been hit with before.

VI. Threatening the team is the only way to control Nate. Expecting him to be peaceful about it is a completely different story.

VII. The team is very protective of Maggie.

VIII. Never leave Tara in a room alone with Parker. Even you will want to save her.

IX. Nate's team of thieves do not like losing.

X. Helping them with their enemies is very beneficial to your career.

XI. They will be the best advisories you will ever have.

XII. If Nate asks you for help; Eliot, Parker and Hardison have all been taken by Damien Moreau and Maggie has drugged Sophie long enough for him to get away to ask you for help. Be very prepared for a lot of angry voices.

XIII. If Parker asks you for help, check your pulse before agreeing. You can't say no to Parker.

XIV. If Hardison and Eliot ask for your help without throwing a punch, you are not dreaming. It means that Sophie was kidnapped by your bastard of an ex-boss and they're to the point where they have asked you to save the man from their boss. Don't stand there and watch when you and Nate discover the grifter was shot and will spend the rest of the weekend bleeding out four times and flat-lining eight. He will not stop.

XV. Maggie is your greatest weapon in situations such as the previous one. She is the only one who can get through to Nate long enough to remind him what's going on.

XVI. Do not get in between Nate and Sophie when they are arguing even if it is for a con. You won't wake up to happy news.

XVII. Do not touch Parker, Hardison, and/or Eliot unless I have seen Nate and Sophie's dead bodies on the cold slab of a morgue. I don't like cleaning up their mess.

XVIII. Do not touch Nate or Sophie unless Parker, Hardison and Eliot are all confirmed dead by me because that is just not pretty. Even I won't clean up that mess.

XIX. Do not expect anything when it comes to that team. Every single one of them is very unpredictable when it comes to what they do. Don't attempt to kill any of them either.


	8. The Backup

**Things Tara has learned the hard way**

1) Don't ask Sophie to join you for a short con.

2) Do not stay in the same room as Parker when said con blows up in smoke.

3) Don't betray the team. Parker will chuck you off the roof. Hardison will make you worthless and wanted in seconds. Eliot will give Parker tips. Nate will lock you in a room alone with Parker while Eliot is watching from a safe distance.

4) Don't get on Sophie's bad side… ever!

5) Mom mode Sophie is a million times scarier than Pregnant Sophie and pregnant Sophie is one hundred million times scarier than regular Sophie. You do the math!

6) Don't bring up the subject of Sophie in front of Nate when they're fighting.

7) Avoid Parker and Hardison's fight as much as possible.

8) Eliot is the nicest member of the team but don't tell him that.

9) Don't tell Eliot, Parker, and/or Hardison where Sophie's favorite vacation home is. Apparently it has very safe closets for Nate to hide in.

10) Don't ever go to Hardison and Parker's movie night unless Nate and Sophie are there too. Ask Eliot how we learned that one.

11) Never mention Sophie's relationship with Sterling to Nate because he does not know about that one!

12) Never give all of your information to Parker, Eliot, and Hardison. They are more afraid of Sophie than they are of Nate.

13) Don't piss Sophie off!

14) Maggie is the only weapon you have against Nate when it comes to Sophie's life.

15) A visit from Sophie means Eliot, Parker, and Hardison have been hurt and/or kidnapped by Damien Moreau.

16) A visit from Parker means Hardison was bored with your security system and they didn't have the heart to have Eliot explain it to you.

17) A visit from Eliot always ends in the bedroom.

18) Explaining Nate and Sophie's arguments to Parker and Hardison gets you nowhere fast.

19) Listen to everybody else's list of things not to do. It's safer than not.

20) Parker and explosives is not a good thing. Hardison and computers is only fun if you are not the mark. Eliot has a temper that creates holes in any available surface. Nate and alcohol are never inseparable, unless Sophie is pregnant. Sophie is the scariest thing you have ever met when the team is involved.

21) You can't say no to Sophie or Parker. Especially if either one is pregnant or you owe them for one of your screw-ups.


End file.
